mental health

Feeling the Need to Explain Myself

Growing up, I had a good home. I really did. But like anyone else’s childhood it was far from perfect.

One of my major issues is one I’m in the middle of having a panic/anxiety attack right now; I feel like I should vomit! Hell, I’m probably even doing a little bit of it right now. I always feel the need to have a detailed reason for how and why I feel the way I feel—about ANYTHING! And today I realized something: its grueling.


Things as simple as “not up to it” didn’t fly in my house (or in school, can’t that’s a factor as well) for things like not wanting to go to the beach with the family. I had to have a reason why. Conversely, I now seek answers even in myself for “why” instead of just being tired, I have to feel like I have a legitimate reason.

I dislike this part of me. It’s not an argumentative side surprisingly. It’s a curiosity. Other people simple “I’m not up to it” I’m fine with. I always feel like I’m supposed to have a reason (an excuse if you will). Why can’t I be kinder to myself?

I’m going to work on this. I realize this is a “deeper “ topic than most posts. But I felt like writing it. And that’s a bloody start (though I guess my “justifying” it might not be). I’m going to practice even just saying no and changing to yes should I feel like it, that way things can be switched around.

Do you ever find yourself beating yourself up internally over something? How do you practice being kinder to yourself?